July 25, 2013
The Haberdasher
A Ten-Minute Comedy by
Albert J. Repicci
CAST OF CHARACTERS
THE HABERDASHER – A salesman in his 6os, heavy Jewish accent
THE CUSTOMER – A man also in his 60s. Pompous, overly assertive.
MURRAY – Offstage voice
The action takes place in a small men’s clothing store on Manhattan’s Lower East Side.
THE HABERDASHER
SCENE: A small men’s clothing store, lower Manhattan, East Side.
AT RISE: THE HABERDASHER, an old Jewish man in his 60s, is arranging coats on a rack.
THE CUSTOMER enters. He is a well-dressed man also in his 60s. The Haberdasher turns to greet him.
HABERDASHER
Good morning sir! Vat can I do for you?
CUSTOMER
Yes, good morning. I am interested in purchasing a tie. Not just any tie mind you, but a particular kind of tie.
HABERDASHER
Vat kind of special tie dis could be?
CUSTOMER
I’m looking for a red tie with tiny blue dots.
HABERDASHER
A red tie mit tiny blue dots? You sure it’s not a blue tie mit tiny red dots?
CUSTOMER
Absolutely. Red with blue dots. And the dots must be round with a hint of lavender in them. Nothing else will do.
HABERDASHER
Hint of lavender. Now dat’s a tie. I luf a man knows exactly vat he vants. Mit taste like dat, you must be some important guy.
CUSTOMER
(pleased)
Well, I do have a position of some prominence.
HABERDASHER
I could tell the minute you vawked into the store dat dis is some classy fella.
CUSTOMER
What was it that gave you that impression?
HABERDASHER
Vat, are you kidding? Von look and boom! I knew you vere a man of culture. You probably even sing mit the Metropolitan Choir!
CUSTOMER
You mean…the Metropolitan Opera?
HABERDASHER
You see? Do I know a man by his clothes or vat?
CUSTOMER
Well, although I do have a keen ear for music, I’m afraid that I do not sing for the Metropolitan. Why would you think such a thing?
HABERDASHER
Oy! You don’t sing mit the big guys? Somebody please, hit me mit a schtick. Ach! I am losing my touch maybe.
CUSTOMER
Is there something in particular that, uh…well…that led you to believe…Ah, hmm…That I…hmm…
HABERDASHER
Vat, are you kidding? Any man who vears his pants that high in the crotch gotta sing someplace.
CUSTOMER
(taken aback)
High? What do you mean “high?”
HABERDASHER
The vay dere’s no room for the low notes to breathe in dere, you must be a soprano.
CUSTOMER
I am not a soprano!
HABERDASHER
Vatch vat happens ven I pull up on the pants.
He grabs the Customer’s pants by the waist and pulls up.
CUSTOMER
(singing out a high note)
Ahhhhhhh!
The Haberdasher lets him drop.
CUSTOMER
Oh my God!
HABERDASHER
See vat I’m telling you? You need pants mit room. The more room, the more notes. The more notes, the better the music. Vat are you, toity-six regular?
He goes to the rack and retrieves a pair of checked pants. He shows them to the Customer.
HABERDASHER
Here. Dis is a nice pant. Beautiful! A solid check. Such a finish. The silk verm I think is still in dere, making new threads even as you vear out the old vons.
CUSTOMER
A…solid check?
HABADASHER
Absolutely! Mit your height, it squares off the body. Strong. Tough. Like a Robert Mitchem. And dey’re only fifty dollars. With…hmmm…about ten percent off.
CUSTOMER
Well, what would that come out to with the ten percent off?
HABERDASHER
Fifty dollars. The ten percent we take off the length. Dey’re vay too long for you. Ve like to show a little bit of the sock. It’s the sock dat really makes the man dese days. You. Look. You got dose black socks. The kind they used to vear in dose funny movies on 42nd St.
CUSTOMER
(offended)
I beg your pardon, sir!
HABERDASHER
Whoa! Don’t blame me. I don’t set the styles. If you vant to look like von of dose “moochy moochy” guys, dat’s okay by me.
CUSTOMER
Of course I don’t want to look like…like…
HABERDASHER
The sock, it gives away the personality. Mit a red sock, you got fire in your heart. Or your cousin Ernie is a flamenco dancer. Light blue, you could dance like a ballerina. And dress like one, too. Yellow sock…eh, must be a gift from your mama, reminds her of her canary. But a nice red, white and blue sock…Dat’s a good American come vawkin’ down the street! And lucky today, for you, a special!
He goes to the shelves, retrieves a garish pair of patriotic-colored socks. He hands them to the Customer.
HABERDASHER
I have two the same. Here. Enjoy. Vawk proud.
CUSTOMER
Red, white and…and blue?
HABERDASHER
Not a kvestion, dis is you. Look. Vait. Vait! Mit your taste, I’m gonna show you my secret goods.
CUSTOMER
What secret goods?
The Haberdasher glances suspiciously around the store.
HABERDASHER
Here, under the counter. Nobody else is in the store?
CUSTOMER
No, I don’t believe so. What are you hiding?
Haberdasher takes one more look around the store to be certain. Then he crosses to the counter. He reaches under and pulls out a sport coat.
HABERDASHER
Look. Here. Von of a kind. Saving it for just the right classy guy. Look at the veave on dese goods. So thick, dis veave, it could stop even a bullet.
CUSTOMER
I hardly think I need a coat to stop a bullet.
The Haberdasher starts to put the coat away.
HABERDASHER
Excuse me. Excuse me, mister. You’re such a tough guy, your skin could stop a bullet?
CUSTOMER
(flustered)
What? No! No, of course not. I mean…why would I want a coat that could stop a bullet?
HABERDASHER
Dese days, who is safe? Nice guy like you, on his vay to visit his mama…Minding his own
HABERDASHER (Cont’d.)
business…Stops on the corner to buy a knish, some crazy misshuga vats got a thing for knishes puts a bullet in your liver.
The Customer jumps back in terror.
CUSTOMER
Not my liver!
HABERDASHER
But the bullet should only drop in your side pocket and you make it to mamma’s before she cuts you out of the vill for missing a Saturday.
CUSTOMER
My God! She would, too!
Haberdasher hands him the jacket.
HABERDASHER
Here, try on the goods.
The Customer puts the jacket on. It is swimming on him. The Haberdasher steps back to admire it.
HABERDASHER
Nice…Nice…it’s you, it’s you.
CUSTOMER
Well…don’t you think it’s a bit too big?
HABERDASHER
Big? Vat “big?” Loose! It’s loose.
CUSTOMER
But this must be at least a size forty-eight and I wear a forty.
HABERDASHER
Whoa! Whoa! You’re kvestioning me? My whole family has been in dis business generation after generation! Hundreds and hundreds of years dating back to the time of Moses! You ever see Moses vearing a tight suit?
CUSTOMER
No. But he spent his life roaming the desert.
HABERDASHER
And that’s the beauty of loose! In the hot, you got room for the air to circulate. In the cold, a
HABERDASHER (Cont’d.)
nice tight veave. Dis is an all-purpose jacket! Any season! If Moses had a jacket like dis, he could have opened dot other sea and vawked to Miami Beach!
CUSTOMER
Well…how much is this coat?
HABERDASHER
(hard of hearing all of a sudden)
Excuse me?
CUSTOMER
I said what does this jacket cost?
HABERDASHER
Vot? A little louder. Sometimes I don’t hear so good.
CUSTOMER
(raising his voice)
HOW MUCH DOES THE DAMN THING COST?
HABERDASHER
Cost…Cost. Dot’s good. Vait. I ask my brother Murray in the back. He knows the price of the imported goods.
CUSTOMER
This coat is imported? From where?
HABERDASHER
From Brooklyn. My cousin Bernie has a tailor shop on Lumky Street.
He yells toward the back of the store.
HABERDASHER
Yoo hoo, Murray! How much is the imported goods mit the veave which could stop a bullet?
MURRAY’S VOICE (O.S.)
Two hundred fifty dollars.
Haberdasher turns back to the Customer.
HABERDASHER
Murray says it’s one hundred fifty dollars.
CUSTOMER
But he said…Ah…Are you sure? One hundred fifty dollars?
HABERDASHER
Vat you tink? I’m deaf? Here. If you vant, take. Otherwise I go to lunch now.
(shouts to the back)
MURRAY! YOU READY FOR LUNCH?
MURRAY’S VOICE (O.S.)
Be there in a minute.
Quickly, before brother Murray appears, the Customer digs into his pocket for his wallet.
CUSTOMER
Yes! Here…Here! What does that come to?
The Haberdasher thinks.
HABERDASHER
One hundred fifty dollars for the coat. Fifty-five for the pants. Ten-fifty for the socks. Comes to…hmm…Two hundred fifteen dollars fifty cents. For you, we round off to two hundred fifteen. A nice number.
The Customer starts frantically pulling bills out of his wallet and handing the money to the Haberdasher.
CUSTOMER
Okay! There you have it!
Customer starts to make his getaway before Murray gets there.
HABERDASHER
Wait! For such a good customer, for free, choose any cap in the store.
The Customer stops in his tracks. He turns back.
CUSTOMER
Oh! How generous!
He looks around. Points.
CUSTOMER
Well. How about that Stetson over there?
HABERDASHER
Vait, Vait. I said “cap.” Dot’s a hat.
He crosses to a beat up old cardboard box on the counter.
HABERDASHER
Dis box over here.
He reaches into the box and pulls out a cheap knit cap, the kind you can buy on the street for a dollar.
HABERDASHER
A nice knit mit a little ball on the top. Give to a cute nephew. He’ll love it.
He hands it to the Customer who accepts it, a bit dejectedly. The Customer turns and exits the store with his “loot.”
The Haberdasher goes back to arranging coats on the rack, as he was doing at the top of the play.
Not more than a few seconds go by before the Customer sticks his head back into the shop, flummoxed.
CUSTOMER
But…But…What about my tie? The red tie? With the…dots?
HABERDASHER
Vat, are you kidding? Mit a suit like dot, who needs a farkakte tie?
BLACKOUT
END OF PLAY